Back in Black

Well I'm back again after an extensive hiatus following the birth of my daughter in mid-February. Many things have happened since my last blog. People have left my life, some old friends have returned to it, and new people are popping in as well. In the end all are welcome changes.

My latest adventure has been learning to juggle caring for both an infant and a toddler at the same time. Luckily I have a great husband who has been very helpful, so I was able to ease my way into it. And now that my daughter is *finally* sleeping through the night (a VERY recent and VERY welcome development) I now have the energy to do little extra things like this blog once again.

As I said earlier, people have left my life. One of which was someone I considered a dear friend whom I had known a really long time. Its still a little hard picturing the rest of my life without her, but she's made choices egged on by the company she keeps, so as sad as it makes me I have to respect her decision. In the end her decision has actually brought more peace to my life than despair, so I become less sad and more grateful for her choice everyday.

And as people leave, others enter. Most important of which, of course, has been my new baby girl. She is so beautiful that I still tear up just looking at her. She's such a happy, smiley baby (although her grandma calls her pickle puss for the sour faces she makes when she's fussing lol). My labor with her was intense, but quick, with no complications and very little pushing (both my kids came out after only ten minutes of pushing, something I'll always be grateful to them for). Also this time was much more intimate. At my son's birth my whole family and a few of my friends were all their and it looked like I was throwing a party in my delivery room, but this time it was just my mother, my sister, and my husband with me. I loved being able to just savor the moment, even while I begged the nurse for more pain meds and pushed the epidural button to the point of my thumb literally cramping up on me.

So now I'm just adjusting to life with my two beautiful babies. I remember that for a long time, because of a relationship I was in years ago, I thought I would never be able to have children. Now having carried, delivered, and loved these two amazing kids I can't imagine my life without them. And now with a lot of the negativity in my life gone, I can actually just focus on my sweet little babies and enjoy watching them grow up. Til next time readers!

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Down With The Happy Killers!!!!

     Today I have taken a small yet powerful step for the sake of my happiness.  There has been a certain aspect of my life (I won't go into detail because talking about it would just cause me to dwell on it again, which is counter productive) that has been causing me great stress and sadness where it wasn't even the slightest bit necessary.  So what did I do?  I made it to where I never have to see or hear it again.  I know it sounds simple and obvious, but for most people, its oddly hard to finally cut the thing that's poisoning your life out of it. 

     There are always going to be things and people in this world that will try and make you think you don't deserve to be happy or try to bring themselves up by tearing you down.  And while you know in your heart that these things/people are irrelevant, it doesn't keep the negativity from seeping in a little at times.  Well today I took a stand and said to myself "I deserve to be happy, and the only people who have to be happy or comfortable with the way I am and my choices in life are me, my husband, and my children.  The rest can either get with the program or kick rocks." 

     I am me.  Yes, I still have a lot of learning and growing to do and I have bad days just like everybody else, but that doesn't make me any worse or better than the next person.  I won't sit and compare my life to other people, because their priorities are probably different.  My priorities are healthy happy kids and a healthy happy marriage, and all the basics that go along with those (shelter, food, etc.).  Everything else is secondary for me. 

     I know this blog might sound preachy, and hell, maybe it is.  I just want whoever reads this to know that, no matter what negativity gets thrown your way, you deserve to be happy.  If you're a good person who doesn't go out of your way to hurt others and you take care of the things that are important to you and your life, then to hell with the rest.  If people/things in your life are making you feel down about you or your life, get rid of them quickly!  That's their misery and it doesn't have to be yours.  Be happy!!!!!

Are We There Yet???

     Well I have finally reached the "full term" area of my pregnancy, so now we have approached the oh-so-fun time I like to call the waiting game.  Any woman who has been pregnant knows what I'm talking about.  You're big, you're uncomfortable, you spend most of your day running (or quickly waddling) to the toilet to pee, and you wake up every morning thinking "Is today the day?"... 

     I have had contractions here and there thoughout the past week and a half, and each time I was praying that they'd keep going and end my ninth month misery.  Tonight they came and held a pattern for a little while, which made it even more frustrating when thaey stopped, so me and my husband have agreed to start trying some of the labor kick start activities we all know about (sex, going for walks, teas, etc) starting tomorrow. 

     Bigness and bladder issues aside, I think all pregnant women can agree, after 9 months (give or take a few weeks) of growing this little person inside you all you want is to hold your baby in your arms and not your uterus.  Pregnancy is an icredible feeling, don't get me wrong.  I can't even begin to describe how special those first little kicks and hiccups are, but something about reaching the home stretch brings the "I want my baby NOW!" out of any mom-to-be.  Her's hoping its tonight for this mommy!!! 

The (Recent) Joy Of Cooking

     I would just like to say that my new love in life (besides my wonderful family) is COOKING!!!  I've always cooked, thanks to my mom's teaching and kitchen know how, but this past six months have brought something out of me and I've been doing more experimenting and taking larger risks in the kitchen.  And it feels great!  The only downside is the dishes it creates (if theres one thing I hate in the world, its washing dirty dishes).  I don't know what it is.  I think it might be that with all the uncertainty and insecurities I have in my life, the one thing I know in my heart and have confidence in is that I am a good cook.

     Tonight's experiment was asparagus with homemade hollandaise sauce, which sounds simple, but its so easy to screw up the sauce that its a bit intimidating.  It was my first time and it came out wonderful.  To top it off it was my husband's first time trying hollandaise sauce, and to say he loved it is putting it mildly lol.  Made lightly breaded chicken breasts to go with it, and the whole thing went together perfectly.  It was so good.

     I know its a bit weird to write a blog pretty much all about cooking (unless you're the chick from "Julie and Julia", in which case, its a career maker), but its really been playing a major part in my life lately.  With things being a tad rough recently, financially and personally, its been a bit of a mental sanctuary.  It seems like no matter who or what tries to throw me a curve ball and ruin my day, all I have to do is get in the kitchen and get to chopping/peeling/frying/baking/etc, and I can bring myself out of whatever funk I'm in and enjoy the rest of my night.  If you knew me personally you would know what a blessing this is, as I over analyze and stress over everything to the point of giving myself stomach ulcers and anxiety attacks.  Its great just to have something that makes me calm, tastes good, and makes my family happy at the end of the day.   

Simplicity

     Looks like yet another quiet night in.  My husband got a work call, and my son is out for the night, so its just me and the slight hum of my laptop.  I have no real significant theme to today's blog, I'm just kinda typing to see where my brain takes me.  Today was slightly chaotic as my son ended up with a fever that peaked at 103.5 degrees.  The slightly more seasoned moms I spoke with told me that, while high, that temperature was no cause for panic, however this was my first experience with a fever that high so I'll admit there was minor panic on my part.  One tepid bath and a dose of infant pain reliever/ fever reducer later, he was back to his normal 98.6 self.  Then I finally sat down and enjoyed some girl time with my friend whom I will refer to as M.  It was much needed and enjoyed.  M and I tormented my poor husband (who was a great sport) by discussing our "battle stories" of childbirth.  He held in there until we started discussing episiotomies in detail (heehee).  Ended the night by cooking dinner for my fam (steak and potatoes made my boys very happy) and renting the movie RED on On Demand. 

     As of right now I have to say things are good.  I'm *finally* getting my house back in order (the third trimester of this pregnancy has been murder on my stamina), finishing up the last few things needed to be done before my daughter arrives, catching up with old and new friends, and enjoying time with my family.  Things that were bothering me for a while before I'm trying to just let go of.  I can't make poeple into something they aren't and I can't keep fighting for things that just aren't there and never will be.  Who knows what a hormonal spike will do to my mindframe tomorrow morning (or hell, within the next half hour) but as of this moment, I feel peace. 

Letting Bygones Be...............Dammit.

     Well, tonight I put on my jammies early.  Not for comforts sake (though its an admitted perk) but because my one year old son decided to coat my whole right side in his chicken mcnugget puke.  Funny thing is that before I became a mom, the spectacle would've made me hurl repeatedly.  Now it barely makes me flinch.  Just pass the wipes and a change of clothes and I'm good.

     Speaking of hurling, tonight was one of our bi-weekly (sometimes tri-weekly) visits with my step sons.  Now don't get me wrong, the boys are wonderful and I love them like my own.  They are definitely not the hurlworthy part.  The part of this that is oh so fantastic is seeing their mother that many times a week as well.   If you read my intro blog you're aware of my husband's infidelity with this woman.  Now, the aftermath to all infidelity is hell, but at least in most cases a line is drawn, a choice is made, and one party (the homewrecker or the spouse) is permanently removed from the situation, whether by flat out being told to leave or by restraining order.  Not so clean cut when kids are involved.  You can remove them from every personal aspect of your life, but you can't completely 86 them because they are the mother/father of your children.  And as for the jilted one (in this case, me *cringe*), no kind of childish yet oh so satisfying retribution (verbal or physical) can be had, because as good as it may feel, the mess it would make for you, your spouse, and the kids would be neverending and very painful.

     So, now knowing my situation, you can see why my Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend are very bittersweet.  My husband makes every effort to make the pick ups/ drop offs as painless as possible for me, but nothing really makes having to face the person who smashed your world to pieces a couple times a week easy (especially if you're now a pumpkin shaped pregnant woman).  It depends on the day.  Some days I don't even notice her presence, while others just the tiniest glimpse of her will send me into a huge "Why her?  What did she have that I didn't?" depression.  Which I know is stupid.  If she had something better to offer he'd be with her now, and the reason "why her" is she was the easiest option (pun slightly intended) for a lay on the side.  See?  I'm capable of logic.  But try explaining that to a broken heart and all the insecurities that come with it.

     So now I'm on the couch in my pj's, son sound asleep in his crib, husband glued to his PS3, daughter firmly planting her feet in my ribs, contemplating this Tuesday's events and all the pick ups/ drop offs in my future.  I'm (mostly) sure things will get easier, but its sure been a long slow process so far.  I'm lucky to have my kids.  They help you gain perspective in the rough times, and sometimes perspective is all you have to help you get through it. 

Here we go

This is my first blog on here, so I guess I'll start with some introductions and explanations. My name is Jennie and I am a 23 year wife and mother of two. I started this blog to kind of get out my internal noise regarding my new/old roles, responsibilities, observations, struggles, and triumphs in life. The past few years have been a whirlwind of changes. I began a relationship with my now husband, who already had been previously married (military arrangement) and had two children from said marriage, and within a few months we moved in together, got engaged, and became pregnant with our first child. Whilst pregnant with our son, I discovered he was having an affair with his ex and my whole world was turned upside down. I can truly say it was the darkest time in my life. We decided to reconcile after separating for about a month (after which our son was born) and stumbled our way through it for months before we finally got into a healthier space. Fast forward a few more months and we moved into a larger home, became pregnant with our second child (a daughter who is now due in about 4 weeks), and got married. Just retelling the summarized story makes my head spin. You can imagine that, what with being only 23, having all these changes happen on the span of two years, it can be overwhelming at times. New challenges arise everyday, and I am still learning to navigate some of the old ones. But even with the struggles, I am very blessed in life. I have many roles in life that I'm still learning to manage: mother, wife, daughter, sister, young woman, ex-cuckquean, etc. This blog is basically my public accounts and observations while dealing with all said roles. I hope you enjoy, and feel free to give feedback.

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