Letting Bygones Be...............Dammit.

     Well, tonight I put on my jammies early.  Not for comforts sake (though its an admitted perk) but because my one year old son decided to coat my whole right side in his chicken mcnugget puke.  Funny thing is that before I became a mom, the spectacle would've made me hurl repeatedly.  Now it barely makes me flinch.  Just pass the wipes and a change of clothes and I'm good.

     Speaking of hurling, tonight was one of our bi-weekly (sometimes tri-weekly) visits with my step sons.  Now don't get me wrong, the boys are wonderful and I love them like my own.  They are definitely not the hurlworthy part.  The part of this that is oh so fantastic is seeing their mother that many times a week as well.   If you read my intro blog you're aware of my husband's infidelity with this woman.  Now, the aftermath to all infidelity is hell, but at least in most cases a line is drawn, a choice is made, and one party (the homewrecker or the spouse) is permanently removed from the situation, whether by flat out being told to leave or by restraining order.  Not so clean cut when kids are involved.  You can remove them from every personal aspect of your life, but you can't completely 86 them because they are the mother/father of your children.  And as for the jilted one (in this case, me *cringe*), no kind of childish yet oh so satisfying retribution (verbal or physical) can be had, because as good as it may feel, the mess it would make for you, your spouse, and the kids would be neverending and very painful.

     So, now knowing my situation, you can see why my Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other weekend are very bittersweet.  My husband makes every effort to make the pick ups/ drop offs as painless as possible for me, but nothing really makes having to face the person who smashed your world to pieces a couple times a week easy (especially if you're now a pumpkin shaped pregnant woman).  It depends on the day.  Some days I don't even notice her presence, while others just the tiniest glimpse of her will send me into a huge "Why her?  What did she have that I didn't?" depression.  Which I know is stupid.  If she had something better to offer he'd be with her now, and the reason "why her" is she was the easiest option (pun slightly intended) for a lay on the side.  See?  I'm capable of logic.  But try explaining that to a broken heart and all the insecurities that come with it.

     So now I'm on the couch in my pj's, son sound asleep in his crib, husband glued to his PS3, daughter firmly planting her feet in my ribs, contemplating this Tuesday's events and all the pick ups/ drop offs in my future.  I'm (mostly) sure things will get easier, but its sure been a long slow process so far.  I'm lucky to have my kids.  They help you gain perspective in the rough times, and sometimes perspective is all you have to help you get through it.