Poison Apples Are Tasty!

     Hello readers.  I know its been a while since I've updated this thing, but motherhood is a thing of busy joy.  As for me I'm doing okay.  My hubby and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary, and my youngest is now a whopping six months old.  Things are finally, for the most part, running smoothly in my life.

     One thing I have been struggling with lately is the selective memory of nostalgia.  I have been missing the friend I spoke about losing in a previous post.  Its a bit like a bad relationship, after you break up the bad memories tend to fade and all you have left is the warm and fuzzy ones, making you miss your ex.  Obviously good times were had, because a friendship wouldn't have existed if they hadn't.

     Now that being said, I realize that time apart makes you see through rose colored lenses.  I would never and could never mend fences with this person.  Call it pride or common sense if you will, but I remember enough to know the cons of that friendship far outweigh the pros.  But there will always be things that I miss about her and on days like today it is harder to put behind me.

     Looking back is rarely a good thing.  It just keeps you from enjoying the road ahead of you.  I'm learning to put it out of my mind and truly appreciatehow much healthier and better my life is now.  I'm surrounded by people who truly love me and only want the best for me and my family, and I don't have to constantly worry if my friends are taking about me behind my back because I know in my heart they aren't.  I no longer feel like I have to pay for the good times in a friendship by looking the other way while they drag my name through the dirt.

     All of life is a learning process, and I learn a little and grow a little each day, and I appreciate every person who has come into my life, even if I grew to hate them in the end, because they have all formed me into the person I am today.  So heres to tomorrow and whatever lessons it had in store.  Until next time loves!

Dr. Feel Good

     Wow its been a while since I've done one of these.  Well where to start. Things are running fairly smoothly in my life so far.  My children are doing well and my marriage has never been better.  Things are even going better as far as the issues with his ex wife.  And yet for some reason recently I've been dealing with bizarre bouts of depression.  I went to see my doctor a little while ago and she put me on meds, and although I'm still in the adjustment period I can already see some small improvement.  I'm usually very hesitant about psychiatric meds because when I was 8 I was placed on medication for my supposed ADD (the trendy child disorder of the early 90's) and I had horrible side effects that still make me cringe when I think back on it.

     I've always been on the fence when wondering if I had clinical depression until now.  I have been horribly depressed in the past, but because my past up until recent times has been so rocky, it always felt valid.  Or before that I could just chalk it up to teenage angst.  But when you're miserable and you look around only to find no source to your misery, its a bit of a wake up call.  It was actually starting to make me feel guilty.  My children are healthy and happy, my husband is wonderful, the bills are taken care of, and I'm surrounded by the people I love 24/7, so why am I so unhappy?  So I finally said screw it and saw my doctor.  And now here we are.  I know these pills aren't some magic cure all, but I'll take whatever help I can get. 

Back in Black

Well I'm back again after an extensive hiatus following the birth of my daughter in mid-February. Many things have happened since my last blog. People have left my life, some old friends have returned to it, and new people are popping in as well. In the end all are welcome changes.

My latest adventure has been learning to juggle caring for both an infant and a toddler at the same time. Luckily I have a great husband who has been very helpful, so I was able to ease my way into it. And now that my daughter is *finally* sleeping through the night (a VERY recent and VERY welcome development) I now have the energy to do little extra things like this blog once again.

As I said earlier, people have left my life. One of which was someone I considered a dear friend whom I had known a really long time. Its still a little hard picturing the rest of my life without her, but she's made choices egged on by the company she keeps, so as sad as it makes me I have to respect her decision. In the end her decision has actually brought more peace to my life than despair, so I become less sad and more grateful for her choice everyday.

And as people leave, others enter. Most important of which, of course, has been my new baby girl. She is so beautiful that I still tear up just looking at her. She's such a happy, smiley baby (although her grandma calls her pickle puss for the sour faces she makes when she's fussing lol). My labor with her was intense, but quick, with no complications and very little pushing (both my kids came out after only ten minutes of pushing, something I'll always be grateful to them for). Also this time was much more intimate. At my son's birth my whole family and a few of my friends were all their and it looked like I was throwing a party in my delivery room, but this time it was just my mother, my sister, and my husband with me. I loved being able to just savor the moment, even while I begged the nurse for more pain meds and pushed the epidural button to the point of my thumb literally cramping up on me.

So now I'm just adjusting to life with my two beautiful babies. I remember that for a long time, because of a relationship I was in years ago, I thought I would never be able to have children. Now having carried, delivered, and loved these two amazing kids I can't imagine my life without them. And now with a lot of the negativity in my life gone, I can actually just focus on my sweet little babies and enjoy watching them grow up. Til next time readers!

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Down With The Happy Killers!!!!

     Today I have taken a small yet powerful step for the sake of my happiness.  There has been a certain aspect of my life (I won't go into detail because talking about it would just cause me to dwell on it again, which is counter productive) that has been causing me great stress and sadness where it wasn't even the slightest bit necessary.  So what did I do?  I made it to where I never have to see or hear it again.  I know it sounds simple and obvious, but for most people, its oddly hard to finally cut the thing that's poisoning your life out of it. 

     There are always going to be things and people in this world that will try and make you think you don't deserve to be happy or try to bring themselves up by tearing you down.  And while you know in your heart that these things/people are irrelevant, it doesn't keep the negativity from seeping in a little at times.  Well today I took a stand and said to myself "I deserve to be happy, and the only people who have to be happy or comfortable with the way I am and my choices in life are me, my husband, and my children.  The rest can either get with the program or kick rocks." 

     I am me.  Yes, I still have a lot of learning and growing to do and I have bad days just like everybody else, but that doesn't make me any worse or better than the next person.  I won't sit and compare my life to other people, because their priorities are probably different.  My priorities are healthy happy kids and a healthy happy marriage, and all the basics that go along with those (shelter, food, etc.).  Everything else is secondary for me. 

     I know this blog might sound preachy, and hell, maybe it is.  I just want whoever reads this to know that, no matter what negativity gets thrown your way, you deserve to be happy.  If you're a good person who doesn't go out of your way to hurt others and you take care of the things that are important to you and your life, then to hell with the rest.  If people/things in your life are making you feel down about you or your life, get rid of them quickly!  That's their misery and it doesn't have to be yours.  Be happy!!!!!

Are We There Yet???

     Well I have finally reached the "full term" area of my pregnancy, so now we have approached the oh-so-fun time I like to call the waiting game.  Any woman who has been pregnant knows what I'm talking about.  You're big, you're uncomfortable, you spend most of your day running (or quickly waddling) to the toilet to pee, and you wake up every morning thinking "Is today the day?"... 

     I have had contractions here and there thoughout the past week and a half, and each time I was praying that they'd keep going and end my ninth month misery.  Tonight they came and held a pattern for a little while, which made it even more frustrating when thaey stopped, so me and my husband have agreed to start trying some of the labor kick start activities we all know about (sex, going for walks, teas, etc) starting tomorrow. 

     Bigness and bladder issues aside, I think all pregnant women can agree, after 9 months (give or take a few weeks) of growing this little person inside you all you want is to hold your baby in your arms and not your uterus.  Pregnancy is an icredible feeling, don't get me wrong.  I can't even begin to describe how special those first little kicks and hiccups are, but something about reaching the home stretch brings the "I want my baby NOW!" out of any mom-to-be.  Her's hoping its tonight for this mommy!!! 

The (Recent) Joy Of Cooking

     I would just like to say that my new love in life (besides my wonderful family) is COOKING!!!  I've always cooked, thanks to my mom's teaching and kitchen know how, but this past six months have brought something out of me and I've been doing more experimenting and taking larger risks in the kitchen.  And it feels great!  The only downside is the dishes it creates (if theres one thing I hate in the world, its washing dirty dishes).  I don't know what it is.  I think it might be that with all the uncertainty and insecurities I have in my life, the one thing I know in my heart and have confidence in is that I am a good cook.

     Tonight's experiment was asparagus with homemade hollandaise sauce, which sounds simple, but its so easy to screw up the sauce that its a bit intimidating.  It was my first time and it came out wonderful.  To top it off it was my husband's first time trying hollandaise sauce, and to say he loved it is putting it mildly lol.  Made lightly breaded chicken breasts to go with it, and the whole thing went together perfectly.  It was so good.

     I know its a bit weird to write a blog pretty much all about cooking (unless you're the chick from "Julie and Julia", in which case, its a career maker), but its really been playing a major part in my life lately.  With things being a tad rough recently, financially and personally, its been a bit of a mental sanctuary.  It seems like no matter who or what tries to throw me a curve ball and ruin my day, all I have to do is get in the kitchen and get to chopping/peeling/frying/baking/etc, and I can bring myself out of whatever funk I'm in and enjoy the rest of my night.  If you knew me personally you would know what a blessing this is, as I over analyze and stress over everything to the point of giving myself stomach ulcers and anxiety attacks.  Its great just to have something that makes me calm, tastes good, and makes my family happy at the end of the day.   

Simplicity

     Looks like yet another quiet night in.  My husband got a work call, and my son is out for the night, so its just me and the slight hum of my laptop.  I have no real significant theme to today's blog, I'm just kinda typing to see where my brain takes me.  Today was slightly chaotic as my son ended up with a fever that peaked at 103.5 degrees.  The slightly more seasoned moms I spoke with told me that, while high, that temperature was no cause for panic, however this was my first experience with a fever that high so I'll admit there was minor panic on my part.  One tepid bath and a dose of infant pain reliever/ fever reducer later, he was back to his normal 98.6 self.  Then I finally sat down and enjoyed some girl time with my friend whom I will refer to as M.  It was much needed and enjoyed.  M and I tormented my poor husband (who was a great sport) by discussing our "battle stories" of childbirth.  He held in there until we started discussing episiotomies in detail (heehee).  Ended the night by cooking dinner for my fam (steak and potatoes made my boys very happy) and renting the movie RED on On Demand. 

     As of right now I have to say things are good.  I'm *finally* getting my house back in order (the third trimester of this pregnancy has been murder on my stamina), finishing up the last few things needed to be done before my daughter arrives, catching up with old and new friends, and enjoying time with my family.  Things that were bothering me for a while before I'm trying to just let go of.  I can't make poeple into something they aren't and I can't keep fighting for things that just aren't there and never will be.  Who knows what a hormonal spike will do to my mindframe tomorrow morning (or hell, within the next half hour) but as of this moment, I feel peace.